Two Gun Tess
Two Gun Tess were a very bad gal,
Rode into town and gave ‘em hell.
She spun them irons and hollered: ‘Yee-ha!’
Thumbusted, gunsmoked near and far.
Spurred her hoss into the saloon,
All them fellahs gobbed at the spittoon.
She slapped down her bits, ordered a beer,
Gave some to her mount and stroked his rear.
Turned to those men, grinned: ‘Whose gun is fast?’
I’ll wager ‘gainst mine no man will last.’
Got off her hoss and looked around,
One boy rose, there was not a sound.
She laughed her head off, slapped her thigh,
‘You? Don’t make me laugh – you wanna die?’
‘No problem,’ said he, ‘I’m as good as any.
The men I’ve shot have been so many.’
He wore a bowler, dressed like a dude,
Except for his gun, made ready to feud.
They face one another, legs far apart.
Stood silent and still, he didn’t look smart.
She grinned a grin. He’d never last.
Her hands by each Colt, pondering her past.
His eyes narrowed and so did hers.
All was silent ‘cept the faint jingling of spurs.
He made her shake. Why was that?
A kid with a gun and a bowler hat.
They drew, she was down, flat to the floor,
Hell – this had never happened before.
He blew his smoke, stepped over Tess,
Left the bar, the men yelled: ‘Yes!’
Tess was done for, her guns were too.
The Kid Billy rode out (he had a girl to woo.)
He’d killed twenty and one, same as his years,
Tess made one more, he could boast to his peers.
Two Gun Tess against Billy the Kid?
Now she was gone, out of town he fled.
So it was done, the town could rest,
This is – don’t forget – the ol’ wild west.